[image: valley nursery, 2012, Dave Johanson]
Ecc 10:1
Dead flies putrefy the perfumer’s ointment,
And cause it to give off a foul odor;
So does a little folly to one respected for wisdom and honor.
There were a few things that my mother insisted upon that still govern my habits today. One of which is using the words "sir" and "ma'm." I am no longer in the category where most of the people I meet are older than I. Ahem... rather... just the opposite. But that doesn't matter. Usually, if the person is an adult, though I often include teens also, the "thank you sir" or "yes ma'am" springs automatically from my lips. It's interesting to watch the effect.
When a delivery persons brings supplies and I have to guide them to the closet, I have noticed how they stand a bit taller... become a little bit more formal in their manner, yes, but in a good way... that of confident assurance... and almost always, their conversation is peppered with response in kind. The same thing happens at check-out counters with young ladies who have probably never been called "ma'am" in their life... they are almost startled by it... but then there is a kind of smiling acceptance. Sometimes I get the near obligatory sniffing reply ... "I'm not a 'sir', that's for my dad" or some such comment, as if being addressed in that manner attributes some kind of "old goat" status. But very few refuse it altogether.
The same goes for opening doors for ladies. It almost always gets a smiling "thank you."
"Respect" is a valuable commodity and when it is received or given, most people respond accordingly. They accept it as valuable... and the reciprocal tendency to "give it back" is accentuated. There are the occasional "jerks"... but for the most part my mother was right. Courtesy and respect go hand in hand and together they are a powerful cohesive force in normal relations.
But "respect" has to be more than superficial. There has to be a genuine motive to it. It has to be rooted in some level of recognition that the person to whom it is extended is worthy of it. Courteous conversation, saying "sir" and "ma'am", is an ingrained habit, yes, but my mother made sure that I understood that it was to reflect an equally ingrained regard for the other person as an individual. No doubt her insistence on this grew out of our own circumstances. We were not very high on the social scale, economically... to say the least. But, in her mind, that does not equate to being unworthy of respect, especially in matters of integrity and reputation. There was a mile-wide chasm between being "poor" and being "poor white trash." Heaven help the individual, no matter how high he or she might stand, that ever confused her status in that regard. She gave respect and she required it in return. On the whole we benefitted from that example.
"Respect" then is something that should be freely but unhypocritically given and received in the same manner. It is, with equal emphasis, something that should be with-held in the same manner. As the passage above reminds us, "folly" is deadly to a person's reputation and is cause for with-holding respect based on it.
"Respect" is a continuum, of course. The giving and withholding of respect lies along a scale. A person who cannot be respected as a moral example for others, say a drug addict, should not be treated as sub-human nor should a certain level of respect be withheld. But that person, particularly if given over to their sin, and with no apparent integrity in the manner they are living in it, should experience the "distance" that withheld respect brings. One can have compassion on others without respecting them very much and such, I believe, is what the Scriptures teach.
So... it appears to me that this whole idea of "respect" ought to be undertaken more rigorously by folks today. It is a force for social cohesion but it is also a very powerful hedge against "folly." A person who knows and values the respect he or she is shown has another level of help in acting in a manner which will not endanger it. Our young ought to be taught to give respect, expect it for themselves, treasure it and the character traits that warrant it... but they should also be taught to with-hold respect from those given over to folly. The idea of "shame on you" ought to mean something.
It certainly did to my mother... and she used it very effectively in instructing us about folly. Perhaps a bit more formality in our common conversation with others, especially strangers, might be a start... and from there... who knows... we might even regain a greater appreciation for the Victorians. How I would love to see a person truly stung by the retort, "You, sir, are no gentleman." It would be equally a joy to have some young girl reminded that "Ladies do not dress like that" and have that mean something to her.
The "casual" informality that so possesses our culture is just one more way that we reinforce the lie that "nothing really matters." If little things don't matter... well, it's not a far jump to say that there aren't really any "big things."
Comments